*This article is heavily generalised and is focussed on men who’s core is in the masculinity and women’s core who is in the femininity. There are people who are different and that is completely normal, but the article will then not be relevant to you.
In an overly simplistic, generalized way – Men are initially attracted to the femininity of a woman, but would only stay with her if she has a polar match of masculinity.
Women are initially attracted to the masculinity of a man, but would only stay with him if he has a polar match of femininity.
What does that mean?
Let’s take a step back and define a few artistic concepts in an overly simplified, logical way.
Masculinity is the human internal energy used for discipline, making and completing goals, leadership and almost brute stubbornness for getting what you want.
Femininity is the human internal energy used for being in the moment, enjoying life, taking pleasure in small and grand things, nurturing and caring about themselves and connecting with others, losing yourself in the moment and embracing your emotions.
The majority of the men in the world’s core is in the masculinity, and the majority of the women’s core is in the femininity but both genders have both masculine and feminine energy at different levels.
Why masculinity is more important for men, and femininity for women
The reason women are initially attracted to men’s masculinity is because men social value ladder is mainly based on the masculinity: How good is their network, how much money do they make, how much power do they have, how good are they at leading. So, in general – the more masculine a man, the higher value he is, the more a woman is initially attracted.
Similarly, the reason men are initially attracted to women’s femininity is because women’s social value ladder is mainly based on their femininity: How good are they at connecting with others in an emotional way, taking care of themselves, embracing their emotions and enjoying life.
Where does attraction and looks come in? Most of men’s good looks are judged from height and body composition – features that will in general help them be more masculine. Most of women’s good looks are judged from a different angle – the innocence, purity, friendliness particularly in the face that in general help them be more feminine, as well as the curves and sizes of hips, breasts and waist that biologically used to signal higher fertility.
Imagine you walk into a club, and you see an “unattractive physically” guy who is clearly the boss of and is surrounded by better looking men, and hot girls that are all looking up to him and trying to get his attention. Many girls will initially be more attracted by the physically unattractive boss and potentially repulsed by the better-looking men with him.
“But I’m different, I like X Y or Z”
The above paragraph is a generalisation and is based on a person walking into a room where they don’t know anyone and making quick judgements in the first few seconds. Most of us consciously or subconsciously know our current masculine-feminine balance and thus can relatively quickly filter out people who seem to be a complete mismatch. i.e. if a guy currently has a higher proportion of femininity, he is unlikely to want anything with an extremely feminine girl who is more likely to be attracted to very masculine men.
There is also a question of relative masculinity/femininity. If a girl spends most of her time within just a few small groups. The most masculine guy within those groups is the most attractive. But if she asks her friend who has interests in other groups and meets more people in a specific location, that same guy might be nowhere near top masculinity from her viewpoint.
This is why, you can often see people from either genders punching above their league. If they become an authority in a specific group, regardless of their overall “value” in the world, it is their value within that smaller group which becomes more important.
If your own polarity is not the highest, it is in some ways better to hang around groups where your relative value is still near the top. Why? Because after the initial attraction, if a connection is made, then that initial attraction of your core is not as important as the overall balance created between the two partners. However, you should only do that if you enjoy those groups. If you don’t, it will create long-term incompatibility issues and unhappiness.
Masculine men still need femininity, and feminine women still need masculinity
Relationships last when the polarity is matched. So often, extremely masculine men can get girls but only some can keep them in a non-toxic manner. The reason for that is for a connection to be made long-term, that initial attraction needs to continuously be fuelled by a push-pull dance between the energies.
For example, a man needs to be able to take breaks from his work and personal goals and focus on caring for himself, his emotions, being vulnerable and connecting with others while taking pleasure in life with his feminine energy skills.
A woman needs to be able to focus on her own goals, career, and discipline to have her own financial and network independence so that she doesn’t rely completely on her partner.
Society is pushing us towards a masculine-energy balance that is good for society, not for us
Society is pushing men to become more feminine by pushing being more emotional, focussing on short term pleasure and killing motivation for wanting to have more. This keeps men in jobs that they don’t like but need to be done. Often, these jobs have little financial progress. Anyone who is able to tap into their masculine energy would not allow themselves to stay in a dead-end job for too long and thus society needs people who are low masculinity, especially men as some physical jobs are just better suited for them biologically.
Being in tune with your feminine side isn’t bad for a man. It is good to be able to be vulnerable, to take pleasure, to share emotions when the time is right. The bad is that men have lost their masculine core. So, a highly masculine man who can show his strong feminine side when he needs to? That’s a balanced man who is highly desired. But a low masculinity man who starts to completely embrace his feminine side all the time? They are often seen as creepy.
So when a woman says that she wants a man who can show his emotions. They often mean that they want a highly masculine man who can occasionally show their strong feminine side. Because there are billions of men who are capable of showing their emotions and being feminine. But because of their lack of masculinity, most women are completely repulsed by them.
On the other side, society is pushing women to be more masculine and compete with men in the workforce to increase the overall productivity of humanity and lower the cost of labour. Simple demand and supply. If only men worked, the labour supply will be halved and demand for labour would be higher – this means that pay is higher and thus a man would earn enough for the whole household on their own, allowing the woman to have free time to focus on other things she enjoys. This isn’t great for society though, as then the overall productivity of the world is halved and progress is slower.
Now I’m not saying that women should not work. Women also have positive masculine needs that have to be met – for some that might be a career in a job that is often associated with more masculine energy.
However, the problem is that society is not making the distinction between choosing when to embrace that masculine side of women and thus what happens is that women lose their feminine core in other areas of life.
So a women who has her feminine core and is capable of enjoying life, doing things purely for pleasure, taking care of herself and connecting with others in an emotional way, but is also able to show her masculine side and not be scared to demand she gets paid what she is worth to her manager and be willing to find a new job if she isn’t valued correctly? That’s a balanced woman who can deal with life’s difficulties and still be in tune with her feminine core and is highly desired. But if the masculine side takes over in her whole life, and she starts to lose the simple pleasures of life, she tends to become unattractive and a ‘nuisance’ to her partner.
The chicken – egg caveat situation of a relationship with inverted polarity
Often you hear how a wife bosses her man around, becoming masculine while her man becomes more feminine and starts a toxic cycle that disrupts the ideal relationship polarity. However, it’s not as simple as that – it’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation. If the man does not take the masculine role himself, then someone has to fill it in. A woman might against her own wishes become more masculine to fill the gap. This causes frustration in both as they now don’t embrace their core.
The better solution is for each gender to communicate with the other and let them know when they are starting to lose touch with themselves. Everyone can go through a period where the other partner needs to take a different role for some time BUT it needs to be communicated and a plan created for balance to be restored. Without that, resentment between them will grow until the relationship breaks.
Does toxic masculinity exist and why is it so controversial?
Toxic masculinity is a misunderstanding of masculinity and it’s purpose is to invoke a gender war of blame in an imperfect world. It is an attempt to blame masculinity for many of the problems in the world that doesn’t help anyone. There are however certain negative aspects that both genders embrace which are toxic and we should attempt to rid ourselves if we have them.
Neither men, nor women are to blame for the way life is. Life simply is unfair. Pushing men and women to move away from their core energy will not fix this situation, it will make it worse. Lets imagine some perfect ideals to show why this is true:
If every person in the world was in touch with their core energy and there was a roughly equal balance of polarities between genders and sexuality types. And also we lived in a perfectly peaceful society with the ability to cure all diseases. Then what happens? There is a perfect match for everyone and everyone feels connected with their own energy balance.
Now lets imagine a different situation. Again we live in an extremely peaceful society with perfect healthcare but this time everyone is pushed against their personal core energies to meet somewhere in the middle, a somewhat 50-50 balance of feminine and masculinity. What happens then? People are not happy with who they are, they are not capable to identify a partner who matches their true polarity and resentment and negative feelings are the norm but at least we are all “equal”.
What is the solution given that we live in an imperfect society
There is no easy solution. If there was, society would take it. Society is focussed on productivity in spite of how people feel and will always remain so. The USA becoming more open to minorities was a strategic move that allowed highly skilled labour from such minorities group to be attracted to live there which made them strong. Things will change if a different value system starts to challenge them. Hopefully peace, acceptance and justice prevail but these ‘fair’ values don’t always win.
What does it mean for me?
You have to have the awareness to identify your ideal core energy balance, and figure out how to navigate society while working towards embracing that balance. It’s not easy and sometimes people will tell you that you are wrong even though the results you will get in life will improve when you do this.
Accept that if you are struggling with attracting the right partner, you are very likely to not be in tune with your energy core. And just knowing that is not enough. You have to actively break habits, believe systems and your whole personality to make space to embrace the new. “This is who I am and I’m not going to/ I can’t change this” is an excuse that everyone uses but will only slow you down. You can change, it is just difficult, requires unnaturally changing how you react to certain situations until the new you becomes natural.
It involves taking risks and being rejected at times for who you are and how life just is. Some things in life are not ideal, unfair, and imperfect but if you want to become a better version, you have to get a grip and do what you need to do to get what you want. People will crucify and emotionally blackmail you for it, but the real reason they do that is because they do not have the strength to do the same themselves.
