One of the biggest shortcuts in life is learning to say ‘No’. It’s such an important skill that many books have been written about the simple word.
The reason noes are so powerful is because any time you say yes to something you did not want to do, you are actually saying ‘no’ to activities that you do like or need to do to achieve your goals.
For example, let’s say that you want to use the weekend evenings to learn a new hobby like salsa dancing. However, your friends always invite you out to go out drinking. You enjoy their company but going to the club every weekend isn’t your ideal way of having fun. However, because you do not want to disappoint your friends – you say yes. This yes is taking away from the much more beneficial and enjoyable activity that you did want to do.
Why do we struggle to say ‘No’ so much?
- The fear of disappointing others
- People pleasing
- Lack of self-awareness
- Not knowing what you like and what you don’t
- Wrong priorities
- Fear of the unknown or changes
The main reason is the belief that saying no to a friend is somehow going to damage the relationship. If a friend cannot take a no from you, then they either need to grow up or you need to phase them out of your life. They should not be pressuring you to do things you do not want to but instead encourage you to grow. People pleasing is also very common, where feeling like saying anything but yes feels rude. This is one of the easiest ways for people to take advantage of you, and for you to never have time for your personal plans.
The second set of reasons are based on not taking a leadership role within your own life. If you do not know what you want to do, you let others decide for you. You must figure out what you want and prioritise those tasks first.
Fearing change will stun your grow
If the only reason you are doing the same things as before is because you are scared that changing things will make it worse, then you will struggle with growing. Mistakes and failures are necessary for growth. Ideally, you will learn from others’ mistakes and failures – but if that’s not possible, then you should try new things and learn from them. If the new is worse than the old, you can always go back, or trying a completely different thing altogether.
We only have a limited amount of time in this world, start saying no to things that no longer bring you joy or fulfilment and find new ones that do.
‘Maybe’ is an indirect way some people say ‘yes’ too much
‘Maybe’, ‘I am not sure’, or ‘Lets see’ are often used when we want to leave ourselves the option to do something but often, we are 99% sure we will not do it. The problem with this is that it is dishonest with both you and the person asking you.
If you do not want to decline in case you hurt someone’s feelings, then you are only delaying the rejection while simultaneously making it harder for you to focus on your own tasks. If you are genuinely not sure, then you have to be aware why that is. Is it because you are indecisive, you want an option to procrastinate what you really should be doing, or is there a potential conflict that won’t be resolved until later?
If it’s the 3rd one, then say this. “I might be busy that day but won’t know until Y time so I will let you know then”. This is making a decision and gives a clear reason to other person so they can make up their own plans. If it’s the first 2 options, then you need to focus on becoming more decisive or to ‘lock in’ time for your main goals.
Be the leader of your own life
Many people who struggle with no do it because they are too agreeable and do not like making decisions. If this is you, you have to become better at this. Even if you hate being the person pushing plans, organising and managing things, if you cannot do these things for your own life, then you will struggle with growing. It’s a skill that will ensure that your happiness, growth, and success is not dependent on others.
This skill is heavily dependent on realising how to figure out what you want and what you like. How can you decide between A, B or C if you don’t know which one you prefer but only have time for 1? If your intuition doesn’t make it clear, the only way is trial and error. Knowing what you want is a complicated topic discussed in another post, but the simple way to deal with not knowing is to decide first, think later. So if you have no idea what to pick, pick randomly.
What restaurant should we go to?
The decision of all decisions in any relationship. Whatever your gender is, you must be able to answer this question. Stereotypically, men need to be even more prepared for this because in general women are impressed with men that have the capability to lead. It makes things smoother. So instead of the guy asking “What restaurant should we go to?” which places all the decision making on their partner, he can say “I feel like eating pizza today, let’s go to this Italian restaurant at X” or “I feel like either a burger or Chinese, so we can go to X, or Y or let me know if you are feeling something else”. Now if you are the girl in this situation, you must be able to counteroffer if you prefer something else. This is not arguing, this is ensuring that you are capable of saying ‘No’ and not be a person pleaser! This way, both people make up their mind quickly and a decision can be made together.
Occasionally, you will be too preoccupied with other things and will like it when someone decides for you, and you can just let it be. That’s not a problem. But it should not be the everyday way of dealing with decision making.
I am still struggling to say No even when I know I should have!
If you are really struggling with this, you need to start journaling. Either on paper or on your computer. Very briefly detail what you couldn’t say no to and why you think you couldn’t do it. That alone will bring you ideas on how to deal with the situation next time it arises, but if it doesn’t work – find a therapist. By already having a journal, it will make the process a lot quicker. Even if you don’t believe in journaling or therapists, do it anyway. Dealing with this will make your life better in so many ways that it is worth doing something you don’t like until it becomes natural to you.
