This post will be uncomfortable because it reveals some truths that initially seem as negative but are actually very freeing if embraced.

The first truth about why we do A and not B and why some are like us while others are totally different is:

Everything we do in life is selfish.

How can that be true? So many people do good deeds, parents love their kids unconditionally, people will volunteer their lives to helping others etc. Yes and they do it because it serves a purpose for them. If you value being a good person, then you feel good helping others. If you fear doing what you want, you help others to procrastinate. If you think the world is not going in the right direction, you feel good trying to change it.

But how is that selfish if it helps others? Because subconscious or not, the ultimate reason we do things is because we think it will help us in some way. And if we didn’t think so, we wouldn’t do it.

The positive thing about this is that if society and individuals all set up their morals and values to feel good when we help others regardless of their beliefs, then we would all be selfish helping each other. Creating a win-win situation for everybody! Or not?

This is why no one is just good, and no one is just bad

Imagine a society where everyone is genuine and likes to help others when in need. What happens if 1 person decides to take advantage? They abuse the help from others to become more successful and then once already successful, they use their power to help others? It becomes too easy for temptation to take advantage of people and so the temptation overpowers society’s “do good” influence. In the end, more and more people take advantage until you have complex mix of only helping people when you believe it is worth it.

This complex mix is a balance between, values, society, human instincts, fear, opportunity, environment, hormones, and many other factors.

So when someone takes advantage of you, it’s normally not personal. Most humans do have a tendency to be more “good” than “bad” because society and cultures tend to reward such behaviour, but at times, the ugly side of all humans come out.

Wars are an example of where the horrible side of humanity comes out.

There is little social pressure to be ‘good’, fear and righteousness are extremely high, personal values go out of the window because you stop seeing the “enemy” as human and people do horrible things. Not everyone of course, some people have such strong values that they still persevere but for many people, the result is often grotesque acts that outsiders cannot understand. It’s easy to say you will never do that because you are not in that situation.

In fact, most of us believe that if we were in others’ shoes, we would act differently. And while sometimes it is true because we would have different values, many times the situation that life has put that person is so specific that no matter how much you believe in your values, other forces which are less in your control completely take over. This is why people should not judge too quickly, because it’s impossible not to judge, but to at least consider the circumstances of the action before deciding if a person has bad values or not.

Values and Trust go hand in hand

When people judge others, if done fairly, you would see their actions based on the circumstances that they were in. For example, if someone was enslaved as a baby and tortured by their owners, not many people would consider it wrong if the child murdered their captor. No one would assume that they have bad life values because they committed murder. This is an extreme example, but most life situations are too complex for anyone to understand, even ourselves. This is where trust comes in.

If you met the person who was previously enslaved and they told you that they murdered someone. You may initially think they are a bad person with bad values. However, if they then explained why they did it, then you may change your mind. But if you then see that person go and attack their friend because he made a silly joke, your trust in their values will decrease. It may be that the traumatic experience has made the person to be very defensive without much control, but unfortunately life is so that many people will then view the person as either violent or with bad sets of values.

The question is, would you be friends with someone who has gone through such an experience given the risks? If all the other qualities seemed uninteresting for you, most people would not. Why take the risk when you can be friends with someone who has not gone through a traumatic experience. But what if that person also had some incredible qualities that you do value? Or maybe you resonate with them because you had a similar experience, or maybe you just find them extremely interesting. Then actually, the risk could be worth it.

Our brain does these risk calculations subconsciously all the time.

How good are your values and do you know what you truly want?

If you value good looks too much in a partner, you will see an extremely good looking person who drunkenly attacks another group and call them “ferocious, strong and willing to fight for what they believe”. Then you see an ugly person do exactly the same and you will judge them as “weak, coward, moron and a villain”.

This is a major problem with society when because of negative sets of external factors (fear, greed, lack of opportunities, etc) we start to have questionable values and vote people in power who abuse these circumstances. Often, the result is even worse, and people change their values again until the next cycle repeats.

But even on a personal level, many of us stay friends or in relationships that are not good for us. Why do we do that?

Another mixture of complex factors, but the ultimate reason is that we think (rightly or wrongly) that it is better to be with them then without them. Most of the times this is wrong, and it means that you need the self-awareness to identify what you need to change about yourself and the strength to make those changes.

Is it not depressing that everyone is selfish?

No, it is freeing. If everyone does things for personal gain, then you don’t spend ages dwelling on why people did what they did, instead you try to focus on people’s values. Of course, people can hide their true values for a while because it serves them, but eventually you will see a pattern. Combine that with your boundaries and figure out if there is a clash. Not all values need to match, but if they have a value that clashes with a boundary of yours, then you are not compatible.

Can people change their values truthfully?

Yes. They can. Everyone has done it but some are harder to change then others. Many of our human biological instincts or experiences from childhood set such powerful forces in our lives that even if you want to be a certain way, it requires a lot of work to “rewire” your brain. Most people do not want to put the effort in, because it is easier to just be.

Often, once you find a value that clashes with a boundary that you have, it is easier to let go and find someone that doesn’t clash but life is never that simple. Sometimes, you only find out there is a clash after a significant investment in time and energy, or the clash only happened after the other person changed in a way that you maybe didn’t want them to.

Life is such that there is no guarantee of anything but when you understand that people will do whatever it is that serves them best, it gives you the power to do what is best for you too.

“Everyone will hurt you, you just have to decide who is worth the pain”

Because we are all ultimately selfish, it is inevitable that we will hurt those that we love and they will hurt us too. The way you find out if the person is worth the pain is whether they genuinely make changes in their life to not repeat what hurt you. Because, if they can take control of the major life influences in life and have the self-awareness to realise why they acted in such a way, they can figure out whether or not they love the person enough to change for them. If they do not change, then either they are not capable or they don’t care as much as they say they do.

Most people will say that they will change but don’t take any action. Or they take action but do it either temporarily or with regret. This doesn’t actually “rewire” their brain and most likely, they will repeat the mistake again. “Rewiring” the brain requires admitting to yourself how the pain of hurting someone you love is bigger than the pleasure of taking advantage of them. This sometimes can require setting limitations on yourself so that you do not get in any situations where the potential temptation can become too big to ignore. Most people won’t do this because they cycle between thinking they have a strong will to get into a bad situation and resist it, failing to that temptation and then blaming something else other than themselves for the mess they get in.

Most people in the world are broken

Currently, life sets many of us with questionable values, and it takes too long for us to become the person we want to be before we give up. Many people give up and settle on life because failure is too painful, and the short term pleasures too tempting. The sad thing about this is that many good qualities are lost because of this, so many of us could become better versions that make the world a kinder, better place.

“But you said earlier that the world is doomed to never be perfect, someone will always abuse a good system”.  It’s true but that doesn’t mean that we should just give up. It is clear that there are times when society is much more fairer. Even in the world now, there are many places where it is fairer. And there is always a chance that I am wrong. Because it could be that in the future, if we don’t destroy ourselves, we can create a society where we make it significantly more beneficial to have good morals that acting in a negative way is pointless. Who knows whether such a world would be interesting to live in though.

People give up before they reach their true potential

One of the main reasons people give up is because you’ve been hurt by so many people that it seems like there is no point. People start making excuses and either not growing or growing too slowly to reach their goals. Once you get to a certain point of staleness in life, you start to believe the pain of trying to catch up can become greater than the benefits of improving yourself. This is why being ambitious and pro-active is seen as a good quality, because it means you can turn pain into energy that improves your life. It is always better to try and fail but the longer you wait, the tougher it becomes to find this energy.

To be a true leader, you need to accept that people will hurt you and still do the right thing

It’s easy to be a good person, to be a good leader when everything is going well. The true test of character is when things go bad. Do your values remain the same? Do you accept the pain and march forward? Or do you become another person who starts to blame everything and everyone?

There will always be abusers that get ahead in life because they use their charisma to deceive others of their values. Life is not fair. This is why spirituality and moral values are necessary in the world. If we didn’t believe that there was a higher purpose that judges not only if we grew, but how we grew, then there is no reason not to abuse others to get ahead. Spirituality does not have to mean God, it can be any personal belief of why we should have good morals.

Being spiritual does not mean getting rid of selfishness. Most religions use Heaven or some sort of reward to make it a selfish act as well. There is nothing wrong with selfishness as long as your values are good and consistent.

Embrace your selfishness

When you embrace that you yourself are also selfish, it allows you to create healthy boundaries that help you get to where you want to go. It means that people either align with you or they don’t and both are okey. This way, even if people hurt you, you can continue growing without being affected of the why.

The caveat to this is, that you should embrace your spirituality too and try to set up your values in such a way as to achieve your feats honestly, and in a way that inspires others to have good values too. Why? Because humans achieve much more together. Civilisations thrive because we work together and become specialised at things, not when we all work individually. Everyone will have haters regardless of what you do, but most people get a lot of satisfaction from reaching the best version of themselves without having to abuse others. You may even find that by being good in spite of people hurting you, that you will have more people who want to help you “unconditionally”. And by that, I mean that they will feel good to help someone who seems to be so resilient in their good values.