Throughout history, there has always been a “gender war”. It may have changed in the way it is expressed and the social dynamics may have been different, but the out cry has been more or less the same:
“All men are X and should be more like Y” and the opposite from men “All women are … and should be more like …”
Recently I’ve been asked by a few people from both genders the above question and they always know the answer to their own question. They just don’t like the answer.
Hiding away from the truth through these outcries, even when done as a half joke, is hurting everyone because they do not get to the root of how attraction works.
3 Reasons why both genders struggle to understand attraction
- Wishful and idealistic thinking
There is a reason pop stars and actors are often teenagers’ first crushes. They have an idealistic image of being both good-looking, powerful (due to their fame) and in general are portrayed as perfectly kind, friendly and caring.
While we get to an age where we realise that no one is perfect, we still have this idealistic image of someone who has perfect masculine (power, leadership, confidence, taking action, giving, logic) and feminine energies (beauty, compassion, social intelligence, creativity, nurturing and receiving).
Both genders need to have both masculine and feminine energy but every person has a core energy that needs to dominate. Most guys have a masculine core and most females have a feminine core but it can be the reverse too. It’s also not a binary but a continuous scale. Some guys with a masculine core are extremely masculine, others less so.
For most people, attraction happens when the polarity between the 2 people is balanced. For example, extremely masculine guys tend to be more attracted to extremely feminine girls, and so on.
When we idealise or look for perfection, we often miss both what truly attracts us to someone, but also which of our own qualities are attractive to others.
2. Not being in tune with your core
When guys say that they look for a girl which they can act like a guy with, have good banter and play games, they are not lying. When a girl says that they want a man who is caring and can be vulnerable and show their emotions, they are not lying.
The issue is that those are secondary requirements that are often portrayed as the main. What I mean by that is that most girls are first attracted by the masculine (power, leadership, taking action) and then by his feminine (being in tune with his emotions, caring).
So why the discrepancy – why do you often hear girls complaining about guy’s feminine side and not their masculine?
The answer is simple. Most girls don’t even give guys who act with a lot of feminine energy a chance. They have a total bias of mainly dating masculine guys, and then within that pool of very masculine guys, these guys do tend to have lower feminine energy.
Girls see that feminine guys exist, and they just wish that those feminine qualities could be passed on to their masculine crushes. But perfection does not exist. Quiet the contrary, if someone manages to ‘convert’ someone to change their energy too much, it can often kill the attraction.
The opposite is also true from guys’ point of view. Girls who are more focused on having good banter, being powerful, taking leadership are good friends and guys might even sleep with them, but the lack of polarity means that guys are less likely to want to be in relationship with these girls.
Many people jump to the conclusion that guys want girls to be feminine because that way the guys have more power and dominance. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Feminine energy is actually more powerful than masculine, just in a different way.
The story of Helen of Troy is an example of how this is true, but if you read the book ‘The Art of Seduction’ you will find how many of the most powerful men in history were either infatuated or outright controlled by women. The fact is, women are on average more socially intelligent, more manipulative (for good or for bad), and can use that to their advantage to influence the world.
The summary of this point is that particularly in the west, many men have lost their masculine energy and thus are not in tune with their core, and women have lost their feminine energy, and are also not in tune with their core. This leads to a disbalance where neither gender is particularly attracted to the other, and then blaming each other for the lack of compatible partners.
3. Not understanding the economics of the dating market
As soon as we are born, we are pushed idealistic images of a soul mate. There is someone perfect for everyone. Real life, however, is far from idealistic or fair. In a sad and boring way, the success of getting the partner you want is based on a model similar to the stock market.
Most guys value is initially judged on their masculine energy (financial power, physical power, leadership, quality and number of people who respect them) which can be equated to their ‘market fundamentals’. Then there is the feminine energy which can be equated to research and development. On its own, research can create hype but does not equate anything lasting for guys unless it is combined with strong fundamentals. If it is, then everyone is dumping their cash on this stock.
Similarly, most girls are initially judged on their feminine energy (beauty, compassion, social intelligence, nurture, creativity) which can be considered her fundamentals, while her masculine energy is the research. Useful, but not without the strong fundamentals.
If you want to become a better potential partner and have more choice in your selection, then focus on your fundamentals and increase your value.
One caveat is that unlike stocks, the dating market is not very efficient. What does that mean? The actual value of people is not updated quickly, nor is it compared fairly based on region or even social group. So, sometimes, people will date others who are out of their league.
It could be because the other person has little contact with a lot of other potential partners so they have little information to see how their own value is. Or, it could be that they spend a lot of time in a particular group, that the social pressure of the group is actually stronger than the attraction to a mate who is higher value. This happens a lot in countries with strong family and community culture.
You can use this inefficient market to your advantage if you want to fast forward your results. Be one of the highest value people in a smaller group that you meet with often and you will be very attractive to people within that group.
How to focus on your fundamentals?
If you are a guy whose core is in the masculine, then you need to focus on your leadership and communication skills. There are many sub-skills of these 2 skills, and you can pick a variety of ways to practice these. The importance is that whatever sub-skills you choose, they give you experience leading others, making choices, taking responsibility, helping others and being a person with authority. They should also be skills which others would respect you for and pay you for.
An example is being good at cold-call sales. Guys who master this often become very well paid, are very good at talking and persuading people to do what they want them to do, and generally become charismatic because cold calling requires people to very quickly trust and like you.
However, cold-calling sales is very extroverted type of skill. Not everyone wants to do that.
But let’s say you lead a group about boardgames. Something that’s typically not seen as extremely masculine or even considered nerdy. But – do you practice leadership? Do people see you as an authority figure? Do you have to make choices and take responsibility? Yes. Guys that do this often do well with girls. It’s better to be a leader on something that’s not as popular but is your passion than doing something that you don’t like.
The problem for many guys is, they don’t want to take responsibility or leadership on anything. Not even things they enjoy or would enjoy leading. If you are like this, then you need to get out of your comfort zone and find your masculine core. There is no excuses, if this is you and you are not getting the results you want with girls, then the problem is you. Not society, not women, but you.
Being Feminine is really difficult for women in modern society
For girls, being feminine is actually even harder then being masculine these days. Why? Because society has pushed women to be masculine in the work place. Which is not a bad thing, women should know how to be masculine and run their company or progress in their career if they wish to.
The bad thing is that work takes so much of their time, they do not have time to embrace their feminine core. At least with men, even if they spend a lot of time at work – it’s a place where masculine energy tends to dominate so they can be in their core for longer.
What women need to do is to find time where they can engulf in feminine energy. A time to nurture, to look and feel good. To feel connected to nature. To relax. To feel positive energy. To be social in a soft way. There are people more qualified than me to give concrete examples on how to do this, but the important thing is that you find time after work to do these things.
Most men will value your work and career, but truly they get attracted first by the mysterious nature of the feminine energy – to be calm but intuitive, to know how to receive pleasure and how to engulf others in it, to be creative and fluid.
This article is full of generalisations. I know X and Y and Z who are nothing like this and are perfect
This article is a generalization. Of course it is. There are 8 billion unique people with all sorts of likes, dislikes and priorities. There are also men whose core is feminine and women whose core are masculine, and if they get together they can have an incredible relationship. But the majority of the people in the world can do more to be in their energy core and improve their relationships.
Better relationships, lead to happier, kinder people which in turns makes the whole world better.
