The other day a friend showed me some texts to see what I think. She had texted her boyfriend at 1 30am when both were out separately, and it wasn’t something that required a quick response. At 4 something, as her boyfriend had not responded, my friend sent some passive aggressive texts leading to a fight.
I believe most people would agree that not texting your partner for about 3 hours when at separate events is not a good enough reason to start a serious fight. So, what happened?
While I don’t know the specifics of their relationship, I know my friend better enough to know that this was never about the lack of response. It was what I call toxic reciprocity.
What is toxic reciprocity?
In every relationship, both partners have boundaries. Toxic reciprocity is when one partner’s boundaries are crossed, the other reciprocates by either breaking a boundary themselves, or attempting to enforce a tighter boundary, usually one that is unreasonable and they themselves probably don’t truly want it.
So, in the example above, my friend doesn’t care so much about the lack of text in 3 hours. It is trying to enforce an unreasonable boundary ‘as punishment’ for her partner crossing her actual boundary. It’s similar to saying – ‘well if you are not going to change this about yourself, then you better overcompensate in other areas”.
Other examples – both big and small can be:
- One partner going out clubbing on their own, so the other starts travelling with her ex
- One partner riding motorbikes with their dangerous friends, so the other starts smoking
- One partner doesn’t put a lot of attention on celebrations, so the other stops doing some chores
- One person starts snooping on the other’s phone, so the other sets a password or gets a 2nd hidden phone
The reason we do either of these 2 toxic reciprocities is an attempt to balance the power dynamics of the relationship. It creates a competition between the two that can be addictive.
Competition within relationships
Most humans are competitive in one way or another. It’s natural and exciting. There are normally some differences in the type of competition different genders involve themselves in, but all in all both genders like some forms of competition.
One thing I’ve written about in the past is how humans like both positive and negative emotions. The important thing isn’t so much about whether it is positive or negative, but how strong the emotion is. This is true from sports, to relationships, to series we watch (hence why dramas, which induce a lot of negative emotions are very popular).
Competition in relationships is just another source of strong emotions and this is why it can be addictive. Both partners are trying to win the competition, and often it is done via toxic reciprocities. Many times, you wonder why two people are even in a relationship given how often they fight, and the ‘nasty’ things they do to each other. The answer is competition.
Imagine a partner feels perfect apart from 1-2 things about them. You “only” have to change those few things for them to become perfect. This feels easier to achieve than finding a different partner and going through the whole dating process with no guarantee that they themselves won’t have deal-breaking faults. It’s highly addictive because you are so close to ‘winning’ the competition. Nobody wants to feel like they give up at the final hurdle, which is why it is better to end incompatible relationships before it gets to this stage.
The irony of toxic reciprocity is that it can make relationships last
Eastern European traditional marriages can be described as a full-time toxic reciprocity. The guys tend to complain about their wife nagging them to go on more vacations or do more stuff together. The wives then stop doing some of the assigned chores until they get their holiday or extra time together. This tends to repeat like a yoyo, with one side giving in, then the other side and so on.
Is this a good way to have a relationship? Not really. It works because it creates tension and strong emotions on things that are not relationship breaking for most people, but there are better ways to do this.
The 3 ways to avoid toxic reciprocity and have a healthier relationship:
- Express your boundaries and values, and do it early
A lot of advice in the dating world is to not overshare early on. There has to be a balance to not come across as needy, but if you are looking for a relationship then it is better to be on the side of too early than too late. Why? This will filter many of the people who are not compatible with you. People do not realise that most people in the world will not be compatible, expressing boundaries and values is one way to do this early, so that you can focus on those that are compatible.
The other problem of not expressing boundaries early is that you may get hooked on the person even if they are not compatible with you. Then it becomes extremely difficult to enforce boundaries, and really difficult to leave the relationship. It leads to the competition situation where you ‘only’ need to change 1-2 things about them but never can.
The best way to express boundaries and values early on is through story-telling.
It can be too much to start listing boundaries in the first few dates. Even if the person agrees with these boundaries, it can come off too strongly. What you can do though is to use stories which bring in a boundary in the context of an interesting story. For example:
“One of my friends, she is amazing person, one of those people that comes in and makes the room lighten up, got really drunk one time on my birthday and started kissing literally everyone in the club. In the end, she threw up on a random guy and the bouncer had to come and kick us all out. It was hilarious but at the same time, made me realise I really don’t like going out drinking in clubs and bars. It was a little too wild for me. I’ve stopped going to clubs now and realised I rather meet my friends for other activities like board game nights, dance classes or other more chilled events.”
A story like this will usually prompt the other person to share their own views on clubbing. If they do not match your boundaries now, it may not be the end, but it does mean you have started the conversation on it. And if the dating progresses, it will be easier to state your boundaries more clearly without it seeming like they came out of the blue.
One thing to note here is that while story telling is great in the early stage, you cannot assume that the other person understood the boundary. Unless the other person makes it clear they understood or share the boundary, it will have to be stated clearly. Many problems arise due to bad communication of boundaries.
- Embrace competition as “us against the world”
Without competition, and some source of strong emotions, relationships can fizzle out. This is why when a relationship starts to go downhill due to boredom, one or both sides start to cross boundaries to induce some excitement in the relationship. This can spiral out of control and lead to a breakup.
The better style of competition is to work together to create excitement. Create challenges for each other, and have prizes and forfeits to make the competition stronger.
Tease each other on cute little things. Be willing to both give and take teases and have a clear signal if someone is going too far.
Support each other and celebrate the small and big wins as if they were the biggest achievement on the world.
Learn new skills that you both enjoy together and challenge each other on them.
If both partners are okay with this, create some ‘controlled jealousy’ – be able to share every once in a while when you find strangers or celebrities attractive (not to hurt the other person, just as a passing comment). A little jealousy can be healthy in relationship to keep the “fight for the other person” we get early on in dating to trigger.
The purpose of all these steps is to ensure that instead of competing against each-other with toxic reciprocity to create excitement, that energy is instead used to create positive excitement for both of you.
- Avoid toxic cycles and fights
Sometimes, small things can spiral out of control due to toxic reciprocity. Lets say that one day one partner is tired and doesn’t wash the dishes. The other partner then doesn’t throw the rubbish away. One starts smoking again, the other goes to the club with the untrustworthy friends, the other calls their ex. This leads to constant fights that make the other even more tempted to break each other’s boundaries.
The way to break out of these cycles is to have fair communication. Fair communication is to have empathy for the other’s boundaries and to not let small things become big. This requires both partners to be putting effort and be willing to compensate when one partner isn’t at their greatest.
For example, lets say that 2 partners have a rule – one person cooks, the other washes the dishes. But for whatever reason, one partner is having a terrible month a work. They are so stressed they can’t keep up their end of the deal. With fair communication, that person needs to be vulnerable enough to share their problems with their partner so they understand what is happening. That partner can then take on an extra load temporarily. The troubled partner needs to make sure they find a solution to their stress quickly, and then find a way to thank their partner for their help. Even if it is with small gestures.
Then, if the other partner has similar troubles in the future, the first should be willing to take the extra load as well.
And if at any time a fight does breakout, either because of misunderstanding, or because it is becoming too much for one of them, instead of fighting against each other, they should fight against the problem and look for solutions. This is similar to competing together against the world, in this case, the competition is against the problem.
